I need your strength God.

Ha, it's been a long while since i updated my blog...

It's a little ironic to say my life is amazing..

Really alot of events happening in my life as i serve my NS.

This 1 year and 1month has really been hell for me..

Hell in a sense tiring, defeating and draining.

Honestly, i can't wait to ORD and say, i have finished the worst 2 years of my life.

There's a lot of factors of why i talk like that.

I know i am a guy, and i shouldn't complain and just suck it up.

But seriously..i think i have feelings too...

I ta han and tank for too long already.

I think sometimes i am being too nice to people..and people starts to climb over my head.

And that feeling sucks.

Maybe it's training me to suck my thumb longer? I don't know, but i buay tong liao.

Camp is really shitty and it's not just the job..its the bloody people..

Basket..I got sabo-ed again on tuesday afternoon, and when im about 1 hour away from going home, my CPL who is a provost IC confined me and my junior because for not checking 1 bag!

And the problem is! I didn't see, but my junior did..and he didn't went to check.

Then become my problem...but that's not it..

He confined us both of a total of 2 hours..

WTS, seriously, where the hell got such thing...NSF confine NSF?!

That's really too much already. And on that day, my RSM(my supervisor) wasn't in camp..

I mean can close one eye 1 what, must we go to such extent?

And the thing is, we are not enemies or what.. we were all along ok with one another.

Then suddenly you come up with this kind of shitty stun? What are you trying to prove?!

Nvm this crap, after that, i was lucky enough that the DO(duty officer) was nice enough to sign our confinement forms early and allow us to leave camp early.

The next day, i was having slight cough but also lazy to go for work..

I wanted to take MC for the day and then they all started to sms and tell me that im not allowed to take..I was like, i am not even on MC restrict and i only took 9 MCs since recruit!

Then they told me, order from RSM. What to do? Suck thumb lor.

Took time-chit, reached camp and my RSM started shooting me. Asking all sort of stupid questions, asking me what time i went home and all..then i told him, the DO already signed my confinement form then i go home la..then he started to bullshit around saying i can only leave after the confinement time is over, and asked me WHO SAYS..

how the hell i know? Am i the CD act?

And asked me why i reach camp so late after seeing doctor..

i didn't told him la..i took my time...

But lim pei stay in toa payoh leh!!!

Basket..

Nothing to say already, say my performance like shit..

really........

This is just for this week....

Guess life 's like that, and honestly, i can't really find anybody who really understands me..

So many of my friends haven't when through NS and i couldn't find people who went through what i went through..

But who else can i look to? Only God.

It's really not easy and it really requires alot of patience to wait upon God for a reply.

Sometimes, we need direct encouragement or message? right?

Then when i don't hear from God, i try to seek help from others, but im just like that..I don't dare to bother people or trouble them..and if i do, they don't know what im going through..then they just say, hang on, hold on, jia you. But what i really need is advice..a verse..a prayer..

Man, i know..im like a girl now..

Haha, i gotta laugh about it, put on a smile and trust God.

Seriously, God, you're all i have left.

I'll do my best, and can you assure me?

I really need you to be on my side. Assure that you're with me ok?

I can't go on without you already..

I guess this stupid NS has broken me down to understand more too..

God, please understand that i am weak, but remind me that you are strong.

I need your strength.

True friend.

Sometimes i wonder, who's my real and true friends? Friends who drops you a message, a simple message. Asking; "how are you today?" , or encourages you, or simply stand by you.

But the sad truth is..our human friends or even family members can't be there for us 24/7, they can't see you 24/7, they're not you.

But only Jesus. God, i really long to see you. I long to touch you...

God, only you know what i am going through..i already had a honest conversation with you. I really really need you God...

You and I know that i am weak...

Provide the way and provide for me. In you i trust.

Lost and found.

Today was a crazy day yet again. This post may sound familiar, haha.

I am so careless.. I only found out that my bag was opened at CCK mrt when i alighted on my way to camp.

Searched for my wallet and couldn't find it. Was in a rush so i just choing to camp.

Only double confirmed that i've lost my wallet during lunch time.

But God is just so faithful and good.

I took half day leave to find for it. Prayed like never before...

I always remember of not doubting when we pray and we must pray in faith!!!

Hold and behold!!

My wallet was found by a bus captain where i dropped it at the bus stop i alighted!

Like wow!

Just so amazed by God!

Thank God for this experience!

And also, mediacorp came to division for filming and i saw janet aw! Up close! She's really pretty..ha..

And i managed to touch a snake today. What a crazy day..

Thank God for everything. :D

27/7/2011

Action has meaning only in relationship and without understanding relationship, action on any level will only breed conflict. The understanding of relationship is infinitely more important than the search for any plan of action.

“Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness.”

IPPT

Anyway, IPPT coming up, needa train like mad liao.

I gotta at least pass! If i don't..Gotta go RT and i'll not get my monthly $100 skill allowance!!!

That's 1.2k for a year!!! Cannot fail..

Best is if i get sliver! ha, $100 more.

God help me. :D

Time to blog.

It's 4.20am in the morning, and im stuck at this sentry post till 8am.

It's been a long time since i did such a long shift in the morning. Ha, due to Moh and Sathish leave..

Life has been really normal for me for the pass few months.

Slowly waiting for time to pass. Till the day i can shout "ORD LOH!"

Yeah, till that day..It'll come...

But i want my life to be useful.... !!!

Man.

Past few weeks ago found out about MDIS Diploma course in account.

Looks like a good deal.

6.5months course for $4.9k.

Fast and consider cheap for a short course..

But im unsure if it will be a good course anot and to really confirm is account what i really wanna do for the rest of my life?

Yeah..

Need to make good decisions..

But $4.9 is ok to try with..By the time i ORD i can work full time to earn for my own school fees like for 7-8months? I think it'll be enough..

Still unsure of my future man God...

At the mean time...I think i should take up driving license to make myself more useful or more equipped ..

Gotta spend my time wisely..

Like Alvin said, even if there's 25hours a day, will still complain there's not enough time.

We have to make full use of our time..

God, i really need you with me by my side.

I know that i am weak and you are strong.

I am never good, i am never strong by my own.

I need you God, badly...

Speak to my lord, i pray for spiritual mindness in me.

Help me lord. I need you.

Out alone.

Ha, im a PS just acia now.

Woke up kinda late today, at 12. I went in and out of my house 3 times. The 1st time was because i forgot my ez-link card and i didn't felt my brother's bag was comfortable. Ha, so i went up and change the bag.

The 2nd time was, i went down again and i remembered that i forgot to take my ez-link card again!

Felt so dumb.

Went to TPY to cut my hair, i was sweating quite badly, i asked for hair wash and hair cut. Ha, the hair dresser asked me if i wanna wash my hair 1st, i told him i'll be going out, so i would like to wash my hair after cutting.

Ha, i guess he asked cos i was sweating quite bad. Ha, joke.

Hair cut wasn't that good...I think i should just go with malet. But kinda boring..

So, then went to the pasam malam near by to get chicken wing and the red hot dog. Ha, i donno how to pronouns it in chinese, so i told the stalk owner i want to red hot dog and chicken wing, ha, joke, she laugh secretly at me, and the thing is i ordered in chinese. My chinese really CMI..

Later, trained down to Bishan to get renoma shirts for me and my brother, then i remembered that i wanted to make a new pair of specs. Because i've been using this pair for 2 years plus already...Ha..

Check up for my eye and realized that my eyesight became worst. Man..

Spend $168 with $40 capital land vouchers on the specs. Quite happy with it, ha.

Now having lunch at just acia, using my lappy.

Btw, saw jacky while i was on my way here. Forgot to take a picture with him! Man. Ha.

Quite awesome to do the day alone, feel much more relax. :D

Reflection.

Long time no blog..again!

Went out with Alvin today, had a long chat and sharing time. ha.

Lots of things in my head. Anyway, just came back home from a jog. Cui man, really haven't exercise for a long while.

Alvin shared about a few topics today.

T1: Up to today, why are you still a christian.

T2: His trip to India.

T3: Our conviction, why the cost of all this?

T4: Lives under us.

T5: N's life, persistent.

That's all i can remember.

Will be spending time alone tmr. :D

Taking as a day to relax and chill with myself and God.

God, speak to me.

Good night. :D

God, we need you.

Only God decides when we leave this planet and to join him. But does prolonging your stay on earth helps you? In products, medicines, they helps us. Better is it really a need? When people promotes their product to you, and ensures you of their products, you kinda believe them, and they prove it to you. Should u get it?

In the same way, God is like the product.
But medicine and products only helps you in your earthly body.
God gives you eternal life.
How much more can God show me that only he can complete me.
My family and people needs to know that God is all that we need.
God, i understand now.
Do your work in us.

This is all i have to say for today. 24/2/2011.

The day when my brother starts to take hold of this business that he's working in.

God i pray that this wouldn't harm us.

Help us God.

2 face people.

I just found out how people do things in this sociality.

Backstabbing, saboing..

People can do anything...Anything! To get what they want in this sociality.

Money, Fame, Favour, Respect..

Whatever..

This are things that people like and of cause..

Everyone wants to be recognized , including me of cause.

Today, i really got screwed infront of all my seniors, excluding howard who was on leave.

1 of my senior who was very nice to me, today pumped me because of my boots.

Ok..

Maybe because im in this vocation for quite awhile so i guess im being pumped for that.

On the other hand, it could be just an reminder instead, but no, got to go through the hard way.

Fine, i think thats ok. But, as i was going for lunch. There this clerk i have in my guard room. He's also a CPL, a senior in a way. I ask my other senior to cover my duty, as i was waiting for him to come down, the CPL ask me to go for lunch 1st. Then he said he'll cover..Ok.. So i went for lunch, but i went for 30mins, which was quite long to them. I had lunch for 30mins before. But..today the senior who was very nice to me before..Asked me why did i went for lunch and didn't informed anyone. Ok, i said the CPL covered for me. Then he asked me if he was a provost. I said no, but i didn't even have the chance to say that he allowed me. Then they just keep shooting me, saying why did i took so long to eat and all.

In the end, i got pump again.

Its not really about how much pumping i get...But no one is there cover or explain for me. Including the CPL. Nice.. How much worst can my NS life be? We are all NSF, yet, they are doing nothing to improve any relationships. Everyone just cares about doing less work and being more of a BOSS. This is the world.

Then..there were some commotion over a lost visitor pass. Then the seniors of cause point the arrow to me. Of cause who else? There another guy from my intake, and they never blame him. Only me. I don't know, im i easy to bully because im too nice? Do i really have to show the other side of me? How frustrating..

Then this senior keep telling me about the bad things of a senior behind the senior's back, and then, tells me another story behind another senior's back. How screwed up is this place?

I don't know whens the arrow gonna come to me and shoot me down.

So much backstabbing and saboing within them. Im getting all the blame.

Ha, Im i really suppose to do something about it God?

It seems impossible, untill they all ORD.

Ha, i think thats the time when all this things will stop, i hope.

If people like them don't come to this place.

But, i feel really like shit being sabo-ed and blamed.

I've never had such feelings for years..

Is sucking up the only solution?

Because sucking up looks easier for the other guy from the same intake as me.

People work with people they like.

They never care who the hell are you. As long you help them.

I guess i have to go the extra mile. Although i really hate serve my NS.

I guess its now no a total waste of time.

I get to learn how people work in this sociality.

God guide me.

Spending power....

I kinda just got my pay last week...

CNY shopping list:

Razer mouse

Fred perry shoes.

Fred perry polo.

Pull up bar.

Braun buffel wallet.

1 Denim shirt

DrDenim jeans.

2 Threadless t-shits.

1 more branded jeans.

G-shock watch.

DC shoes.

Looks like online shopping is still much cheaper. :D

But im i spending too much? Shit...

Good and bad experiences.

This 3 days was kinda relaxing until today in camp.

Thursday, went to poly open house with Daryl, Dylan, Gabriel, Hui ling, Luan Chun and my brother.

Another disappointing moment again.

Every course in poly that i can qualify requires 3.5GPA. When i only have 2.9.

Only SP, 4 courses allows 3.0. Which i still can't qualify..

And there are no engineering course available for me.

Man, that as when i started questioning God and myself and the prophecy.

Engineering seems...Out..

But yesterday. I went to watch movie with vivian, rachel, emily, jolene, zi kang and edison.

Then i got to know Edison more.

He's from the NS group that i'll be joining when i move on.

He shared alot of his life to me and i also shared as much.

Then i told him also about my future. My studies, my family and also the prophecy.

He questioned me a really simple question. But it struck to me alot.

He asked if i prayed about my decisions.

My choices.

The truth is, i did. But not as desperate.

He shared to me that where he is today as a self-empolyed website designer, IT personal. Is because of his prayer and a confirmation from God.

He shared to me he prayed for 3hours just for a reply.

The last time i prayed for 3hours...

Man. I think it was sec 4 or the 1st year of ITE.

The truth is, im really worried for my future.

I really wanna know what God has installed for me.

There's so many things i wanna do.

But im so unsure.

I need to pray about it.

Today at work. I really got a bad impression from myself to my seniors.

I don't know why, but whatever i do is not enough and it not up to standard.

I make really alot of mistakes.

I made 2 really bad 1s today.

During prowling, i was doing as usual. I missed 2 fake bombs which were planted in the camp..

And my seniors didn't pump me, but they told me off.

They said everytime i come to work, my mind is not there and i always look like im in lack of sleep.

Man, although i seriously hate the job, but i still think i should set an example and do my best.

I wanna shine your light God.

I need pray and really depend on God..

At the moment now, im thinking of taking O levels.

But the symbols have all changed and i haven't touch an exercise book for 3 years?

Man, it'll really be tough.

And poly will not be easy to get in.

Another though is that if i get into poly.

I will work real hard and change my course by the end of 1st year.

God, its in your hands.

Sometimes i think to myself, God, why don't you just bring me to heaven. Or just tell me the answers.

But, this is when i need God most and i need to depend on him the most.

God help me and lead me in this.

YOU

Night duty.

At the sentry post again. I was kinda tired just now. But im using my laptop now.

Ha, just now at 10pm. Did prowling.

Stupid seniors tried to scare me.

Night prowling is damn damn scary sia.

But thank God nothing happened or whatever.

I kept praying and praying. Ha.

So far, i think my 1st 3 months here wouldn't be as bad as i think. My rota mates are not that bad.

Hope that i can be new influence to them. It's like every single one speak vulgarity.

Listening to Just the way you are now. 4 more hours till i off duty! TA HAN.

And im also thinking about how will this coming sat be. As i'll be joining the polydins service.

Ha, my last youth service was over.

It wasn't really emotional, but i dearly miss my friends there.

I recalled so much things i did in youth.

I remembered when i 1st stepped into nexus.

And till now where i am.

I recall the times when i really really gave my all.

I think the peak of my ministry was when i was leading st.gabs and sa.

Ha, everyweek, everyday. Thinking about my people.

Outreach, plan CG, plan meeting, teaching everything i know, depend on God every single time.

Man.

I really slowed down.

I don't want to slow down anymore.

I wanna go faster.

It's is discipline? Laziness?

God, i really wanna love you more.

Help me to realize that im nothing without you.

Never let my love for you be distanced ever.

Test me in this God, so that my love for you will be stronger.

Remind me of your love everytime, God i wanna depend on you more.

2011

It 2011 already. Im at sentry post now. Using my laptop. Ha, amazing, its not bad as i thought it would be.

I took some time to think back of 2010.

I can't really give a word or a phase of 2010, but, i think that alot of events has happened.

I think i'll start off with what i remembered.

Jan- My results for ITE wasn't that good, went for open house, looked around and thought that i have a passion for arts. Not really arts, but animation. I was also serving my Lg faithfully. Growing myself, investing in people's life.

Feb- Received army letter of enlisting on the 28th of feb. I deferred because i applied for poly. Send portfolio.

March- Received results for poly application. All failed even RP. I went to look for NAFA and laselle. I found a course in media and design in NAFA. And decided to study and take up the course due to the money i have to study for the course.

April- Went to pay and seat for the test in order to get into the course.

May- Received a letter from NAFA that i can't get into it, no reason and results.

June- Clueless, donno where to go, lost.

July- CMPB letter came again. Guess i was going for army. At the same time, water baptize on the 11th. Really wanna commit my life to God. Also PI was one of the highlight for this year too. Spend alot of time practicing and all. Made new friends too.

August- PI was awesome. Saw Civil defence letter 2 weeks before 7sep, enlistment date.

Sep-Enlisted to SCDF, scared, anxious, exicted.

Oct- Still a recruit. Training was tiring, waking up was a crazy thing to do. Discipline level up. I wanted to be a firefighter, after the last interview failed, clueless and lost again.

Nov- Continue with training, though of SRB, but heard that it was shit work.

Dec- Posted out as a Provost, a sentry provost. When for Fireproof camp. God spoke a hell lot to me. Family, and my future, being an engineer.

All this while, i had been praying, that times i wasted my time away before NS. God's plan was so hard to be seen, so uncertain. Until dec.

So many things i wanted to do. I guess it wasn't God's.

I wanna know your plans God!

Will be moving on to PolyDiNS group.

A few questions pop in my head.

-How have i impacted people's life in youth? (Who, how)

-How much have i poured out? (Im i willing to give more?)

-What's next?

I wanna to have clarity in my life, i gotta find it in God. Now as a provost, life cycle is really boring. Just standing at the sentry, sitting at the desk.. Doing my duty and off duty. Its a routine.

At times, a little tiring.

I need to make much more effort to make time for God.

And now, of cos i'll miss my youth friends.

But this is my decision and i really have to stay strong and keep running.

Last night, i went jogging with Hua xiang, kenny and luan chun. At the last 400m + -.. I told hua xiang i was gonna choing. Open up my steps and just run. Towards the end, i was really out of breath soon, but i keep telling myself not to slow down, but the other side of my was telling myself that i was tired and just stop and walk 1st. As i ran, i pushed and just keep running.

The last about 100m, i told HX, let sprint.

I sprint with my all.

At the end, i told HX.

"Never slow down, once you slow down you confirm die 1"

At that moment, i was thinking of my christ walk.

Did i slow down in 2010?

That moments, i did. The times when i slack and being mis focus due to my laziness. I guess enlisting and serving NS i really a good time to train me.

I gotta be thankful for every moment of 2010.

There were really good and bad times. Times when things sucked, and when things seems so alive.

I have to look forward to 2011. No matter how much i wanna ORD. But i can still do something.

3 things in 2011.

-Be grateful and thankful for every event that happens in my life. (Stop complaining)

-Depend on God more than my own strength and wisdom. (Look to God instead of the problem)

-Spend every moment with God. (Make full use of my time for the kingdom.)

In a way, this is my new year goals.

God help me in this, i can't do it on my own. Sustain me till the end.